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There is a Light (And I'm Going to Find It)

Sha, a woman in her early 50s, standing confidently on a bench at Sankey's Corner in Burntwood, arms spread wide in a joyful pose, wearing a grey jacket, scarf and beanie, with a big smile on her face - capturing a moment of freedom and happiness before FND and CFS changed her mobility.
March 2023, pre-FND & CFS, at Sankey's Corner, Burntwood @theaardvark

I've had a really tough couple of months. COVID knocked me sideways, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I felt isolated, sick and depressed. I hid away. I've never had really dark thoughts before, but I can see how easy it is to reach that point.

My family kept me going. They still do.

Depression. FND. Fibromyalgia. CFS.

I may never be in control of any of these on any given day. But here's what I DO know:

I WANT TO WORK. I WANT PAID WORK.

See my LinkedIn profile.

I love work. I love having a purpose and earning money. I want to contribute, not feel like I'm scraping by. I want my dignity back. I want to hold my head up high and own who I am.

The benefits system can feel degrading—constantly having to prove your illness, returning to that rabbit hole of self-doubt and depression with every assessment. It starts a vicious downward spiral. And yes, I've felt myself sinking into that black hole.

But I'm climbing back out.

There are people in this world in far worse situations than I am. I refuse to wallow in self-pity and drive myself further down that dark rabbit hole.

I want to enjoy life and do the things I want to do—without asking for permission or worrying about whether we can afford them. I'm done feeling like a burden. Worthless. Useless. Invisible. Alone.

So here's what I'm claiming back:

I may never walk unaided or very far, but I WILL do what I can.

I may always need my chair to get out and about—and that's okay.

I WILL drive again. I WILL be independent.

Some days I won't get out of bed due to pain. Some days I'll struggle to speak without stuttering or losing my words. Some days, depression will make me want to disappear.

But those are just some days. Not all days.

My GP is excellent. The NHS support has been good. But I'm tired of waiting for someone else to fix me. I'm tired of relying on others.

I want my life back. And I'm going to fight for it.

There is a light, and it never goes out.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I truly believe this in my soul.

I will never lose hope.

I will never stop seeking support.

I will never stop seeking my light.

I will find it—in my own way if needs be.

Just watch me.