Sunday 5th April 2026 - My Immune System Is On Holiday Without Me

🐣 Happy Easter! Hope you're all having a lovely one.

I am sadly not. Not even close.

(rings imaginary bell 🔔) ding a ling a ling 🔔 UNCLEAN ding a ling a ling 🔔 UNCLEAN ding a ling a ling 🔔

(Imagine me. In bed. One hand draped dramatically over my forehead. Oh woe is me.)

😔 I have the lurgy. THE LURGY. Not just any lurgy,almost the full house!

🦠 Bacterial (strep) throat infection

🦠 Bacterial mouth infection

🦠 Bacterial eye infection

🦠 A RASH

🦠 A SWOLLEN TONGUE

🦠 AND oral secretions of a nature so dark, so unspeakable, so utterly beyond the boundaries of what one human being should ever have to describe to another, that I am taking them with me to my grave and we will never speak of them again.

(Imagine me wrapped dramatically on the bed. One hand over my forehead. The other firmly over my mouth. For everyone's benefit.)

WE WILL NEVER NEVER. SPEAK. OF. SECRETIONS. AGAIN. 🤐

(I'm now imagining you all, briefly imagining them, immediately wishing you hadn't)

Hahaha, you're welcome. I'm not sorry.

Now here is the truly spectacular part. My already shit, rock-bottom, barely-functioning, held-together-with-absolute-fucking-luck 'immune system' — has apparently packed its bags, and told my goddamn-shittty 'will power' they’re giving up, and the two of them have pissed off together for a lovely Easter weekend break. I feel so awful, like all my illnesses have ganged up to give me a bashing. Surprisingly, I don't have the words to explain it.

( I imagine them. On a mini break. Matching luggage. Having a bloody wonderful time. Margaritas in the sun, chilling by the pool. Completely unbothered about me 😔 Not even checking their fucking phones.) 🏖️

Just gone, left my body and brain with absolutely sod all support. Not even a note..just 🦠

I am thoroughly fed up. THOROUGHLY. FUCKING. FED. UP. 😩 I am Pestilence. Given human form. On Easter frigging Sunday. Standing here with my prescription for the magical cure clutched in my sweaty little palms like a golden ticket, and absolutely nowhere to fucking cash it in because EVERYTHING IS FUCKING CLOSED.

Every supermarket that has a pharmacy. CLOSED. 🚫

Every pharmacy. CLOSED. 🚫

Every source of comfort and basic human mercy in the entire fucking universe. CLOSED. 🚫

Because Jesus rose from the dead. And apparently that means I can sit here riddled and secreting and itching with absolutely fuck all until Tuesday. (Sorry, big man)

TUESDAY.

(Imagine me, hand on forehead, staring at the ceiling with my infected eyes, tongue swollen and poking out a little, (I've only got a little mouth) secreting mysteriously, gently itching, utterly and completely betrayed by my own bastard biology AND the entire fucking retail sector) And the big man himself 😩

HOWEVER.

My aardvark in shining armour (no, that doesn't make him an armadillo ), but the purple bearded one, Paul — who has been caring for me tirelessly and kindly that I want the record to reflect has been genuinely — has not only found me my phone and everything I've lost in my bed, has also been providing refreshments throughout this ordeal.

Some cold. Some warm. Some — and I want to be medically transparent with you here — alcoholic. For their medicinal properties. Obviously.

This is not me having a drink at an appropriate time of late afternoon while ill, this is MEDICINE. Ancient medicine. Traditional medicine. The kind of medicine that predates any closed Easter Sunday chemist's

(Imagine Paul. Canonised. Immediately).

Saint John Paul of the Medicinal Beverages. Aka theaardvark aka #techGuyPaul aka twat.

Aka #VirtuallyAHero

And he's all mine..... until his other love is switched on (the computer) I bet he's loving all the uninterrupted hyperfocus time with the new love in his life, his computer. Which, let's be honest, is probably happening the second he thinks I've fallen asleep. I bet he's absolutely loving it, uninterrupted hyperfocus time with his other lover. His new computer. Paul. I SEE YOU.) 💻

I cannot stress enough what he has done. I am completely beside myself with gratitude and buttering him up because I spent about 4 hours in the study with the door closed... 2 days of incubation time. Dr Google says!

I'm a portrait of what adding a bacterial illness to a broken body and brain does to a person. This is where I am. 🛡️❤️.

But my lovely man has somehow discovered that N&J's opens at 1pm today for two whole hours. Which is amazing

(HURRAH. Imagining you all cheering. Go on. Really cheer. Have a celebratory medicinal drink on me, but you'll have to make it yourself.)

TODAY. ON EASTER BLOODY SUNDAY. The one pharmacy in the entire fucking universe that actually gave a shit. 💊

(Imagine N&J's. Glowing on the horizon like a beacon of pharmaceutical salvation while every other bastard establishment stays resolutely, unhelpfully, utterly shut.) 💊

Antibiotics are coming anytime now. Between the medicinal refreshments also coming soon, it's Easter Sunday. I don't have chocolate, so cider will have to suffice, and the incoming antibiotics, I hope to be a functioning spoonie by next week, but you know what chronic illness is like, you never can be sure.

I may be slightly over dramatic when I say that I am a 🦠 biological fucking hazard 🦠 I love you all too much to share the fowl highly contagious infection with you.

🦠 This is my life atm I don't want to share it. This is my little story. 😔❤️ So if we were meeting or you were coming to collect something. I will have to politely postpone.

(Imagine me taking a bow from a strictly horizontal position, tongue slightly swollen and poking out, clutching medicinal refreshment, maintaining what's left of my dignity by the thinnest possible thread)

I'm still here. Still online. Still thoroughly fed up, riddled from throat to skin and beyond whilst I've manifested my already shit immune system, and will power sippin' margaritas in the sun 🌞 on a beach with the sun beating down, bastard low immunity.

And honestly? I am thoroughly fed up. And I am feeling enormously, unashamedly, magnificently sorry for myself.

That's it. (You'll be pleased to hear) That's all I've got.

You can still feel sorry for me. In fact, at this point, I don't just insist. I am 🦠 medically 🦠 fucking 🦠 recommending 🦠 it.

(rings bell) 🔔ding a ling a ling 🔔 UNCLEAN 🔔 ding a ling a ling 🔔 UNCLEAN 🔔 ding a ling a ling 🔔

(imagine me collapsing back onto my pillow, utterly spent, thoroughly riddled, and not giving a single shit anymore) 😷

🐣

Oh my hero's home bringing meds and potions and other meds for after the penicillin has done its job... You know what I mean 🙄

Thank you for reading my rant. You're welcome. You can thank me when I'm bacteria-free...I think I'm going bonkers. I just wrote this shit. It's my spoonie brain and being unwell, messing with my brain ( excuses excuses)..... haven't had a magic potion yet today, I feel too unwell. But if you made it right to the end, get someone to give you a gentle pat on the back xx and from the bottom of my healthy heart, thank you. Sharing is caring, so there you go.

And yes, I will apologise for blaspheming and make good with the big man, or he'll send me to purgatory, but it's pretty good if you're suffering something he’s blessed you with... he showers forgiveness out like gold dust. I don't forgive my body and 🧠 brain. I'm tired of all of this, so very tired.

Seriously, have an absolutely super Easter.

Love Sha