Wednesday 4th June 2025
Crazy Nights, Insomnia & Odd Dreams: Life on the Chronic Illness Rollercoaster
Morning lovely people! 🌅
Well, what a night that was. I've had a proper rough one - horrible pain that could make you cry, and barely three hours of sleep between 2:47am and 5am. Insomnia is one of those sneaky trigger signs for my FND, so I knew I was in for a bumpy ride.
But here's the thing - even when chronic illness throws you curveballs, sometimes your brain decides to get creative! I had the most bonkers dream I've had in ages (and I rarely remember them). Picture this: I was an undercover police officer in a drug bust... but everyone was doing gymnastics in leotards, Grease-style! There I was, running, leaping, and rolling in floor routines completely unaided. Someone even trusted me with THE BADGE! 🏅
Now, a few questions spring to mind:
- Who in their right mind would trust me with a secret undercover mission when I can't keep my gob shut some days? (Pressure of speech1, anyone?)
- Where exactly do you put a police badge when you're wearing a leotard? 🤔
Reality check: I reckon I could manage a decent two-foot shuffle with my trusty walker, but my mount and dismount definitely need work. Pretty sure I'd lose points for balance and coordination! Doubt I'd make the team, let alone earn that badge.
The Rollercoaster Begins
My mood started off pretty damn awesome this morning - which is brilliant! But my Visible app wasn't taking any overnight tips from optimism. It gave me a resounding 1 this morning. Translation: "Do not pass go, do not do anything you think you need to do, just rest and recover today."
The house was peaceful, I was the only one awake (tried to meditate but failed again), and I opened the curtains with my trusty broom (can't reach that high at the moment). Outside, it looked like it might be a lovely sunny but windy day. I was hoping to get into the garden if I was lucky.
You know those precious few minutes after you wake up when everything seems normal? Then you need a wee and have to reach for your walker (I prefer calling it that, though "Zimmer" made me giggle this morning). Reality bubble: burst! 💥
When Plans Go Sideways
Later, when Paul went out to meetings and Connor headed to work, I found myself home alone. That's when the trouble started. It's so bloody difficult to just rest and do nothing when you're on your own, feeling useless, in pain, and lonely.
I naughtily decided to tackle some of the jobs that were staring at me, frustrating the hell out of me. My home's a bit of a mess - a proper mirror image of how I look and feel right now.
What happened next is a bit of a blur. One minute, I was on the sofa with a mug; the next, I was slumped against the back door on my walker, shaking, twitching, and in pieces. Connor came home from work to find me like this and bless him, he sorted me right out.
My Amazing Support Crew
Connor put me to bed on the sofa, found a migraine nasal spray (he gets migraines too), and sternly told me not to move. While I had a proper sob about the realisation that my son has become one of my carers (which is devastating - I'm supposed to be looking after him!), he quietly got on with it.
When I woke up, all those jobs that were driving me bonkers had been done. After a full day at work, this incredible young man had batch-cooked a stunning dinner, cleaned up, and portioned out the rest for later. I love him to bits, but I hate him seeing me like this.
The Reality Check
When Visible says #1, it really does mean "FFS, just rest." Chronic illness is a proper rollercoaster, and I've never been a fan of rollercoasters or theme parks anyway - I'd rather be the one holding the coats and bags! 🎢
The day started okay, but that's the thing about living with FND and fibromyalgia - you never know when the track's going to take a sharp turn. Some days, you're dreaming about being a gymnastic undercover cop, and by evening, you're reminded that rest really is best.
Sending Love Your Way
So here I am, signing off for a restful weekend ahead. If you're reading this and you're on your own chronic illness journey, remember - it's okay to have rubbish days. It's okay to cry. It's okay to need help. And it's definitely okay to have completely mental dreams about gymnastics and police badges!
Keep rolling, keep fighting, and remember - even on the hardest days, there's usually something to smile about. Even if it's just wondering where undercover cops keep their badges in leotards! 😂
Sending you all my love and well wishes,
Sha x
P.S. - If anyone has answers about the badge situation, please let me know! Asking for a friend... 😉
Follow my journey on Instagram @WheelyHappyDays and subscribe to my YouTube channel for more adventures, tips, and the occasional mental dream story!
1 Following my hemiplegic migraines I get aphasia - I lose the ability to speak. It's like the connection between my thoughts and my mouth is broken. But when it returns, the connection is too quick. I lose the ability to self-censor; I often find myself saying things before I've realised I'm even thinking them.