Thursday, 9th September 2025 - Counselling Part 1
As you know, I write and voice notes over time when I'm unwell or have sleepless nights and overthink. This entry has been growing for months. It's the subject matter. I keep them short. The following 4 posts were originally 1 post. I should write a novel!
CHAPTER 1
I've been in counselling for a while now. Part of my treatment plan for my mental health is CBT. Still, when I was triaged, the mental health professionals thought general counselling, talking therapy would be beneficial before CBT would be more useful.
For years, I've refused to go because I knew I had issues and 'trauma' locked away, memories from life I'd locked away, hidden. As deep as I possibly could. I suppose we all do to some degree.
Many times, Paul has gently suggested I needed to open up and let go, go to counselling, and I've point-blank said no and thrown a mini tantrum.
But you know what? He was right.
This time, when the opportunity came, I seized it, and I needed to give it my all, hook, line, and sinker, to do anything that would help aid my recovery in a safe space. I have thrown myself in.
No stone unturned, no secret unspoken, and every argument resolved. (C) My counsellor, she's fantastic, non-judgmental, because I know I've done things I'm ashamed of in life—I think we all have—but it's coming to terms with them. On the other hand, I have been put in situations that were damaging and hurtful; there's still a lot more to be done. It's tough to open up and talk about, let go, to cry, and make peace.
Counselling continues to be one of the hardest, most upsetting yet rewarding things I have ever, and continue to, put myself through every week.
It's startling what you remember, and realising what you remember is an actual memory, not a figment of your imagination or something you've convinced yourself of, or something you've heard, overheard, or had planted in your mind. Most hurtfully, I've realised that when I was younger, I was accused of things I actually didn't do. That weighed so heavily on me. I thought I was a bad kid, but I realise I was just a kid in dire situations, reacting to what was happening around me. Memories have been resurfacing, which are just devastating to talk about and try to come to terms with. The big things and the little things you didn't realise really mattered and were holding you back.
It hurts that I have lost complete trust in many things and people, and I'm working my way through the devastation that has been left behind. However, because this was caused by people I love/loved, including befriended family and friends, it's becoming increasingly challenging to forgive.
We have been using various techniques to dig deeper into trauma and memories that I'd buried so deep I thought I needed a search party for 'C' (my counsellor) to rescue her from drowning in my confused emotions.
It's been really tough. That's why I've been so quiet and not been updating my journal. I had to shut myself away, sleep, and cry in the dark, and didn't talk to anyone for days before I could process and make peace with it, and then send it far away on the wind.
There's so much more to do, but it's incredible how easily I've built up trust and a bond with 'C'—I trust her implicitly—it's amazing how things you had hidden and forgotten bubble up and resurface.
Sometimes it spills out like a torrent, but her kindness...
Paul was right; I needed to face the demons in my mind and let go. Resolve or address them. Make peace and let them go, so you can move forward..
Three good things
- I have the courage to face what I've hidden. I'm choosing to confront my trauma rather than let it control me, and that takes real strength.
- My memories are valid and authentic. I'm not a bad person
- I'm building trust and moving forward. Week by week, with support, I'm letting go of what's held me back.
Oops, there is a 4th! - Paul was right—I needed this, and I'm doing the hard work to be happy.
Today's Intentions, affirmations.
I will trust the process and be patient with myself.
I am worthy of peace and healing.
I honour my courage in facing what I've buried.