Tuesday 8th July 2025

Paul's note:- As you'd expect from someone whose life has been turned upside down by a disabling illness like FND and CFS, some of Sha's journals reflect a deep depression. Sha is keen for this to be an honest and open reflection of what she is going through, both for her own record but also so that others experiencing the same can see that they're not alone. This is one such entry.
Sha's family and friends love her deeply and we are supporting her through this difficult time. She's getting help from the NHS but sometimes, as here, that means opening old wounds and things get harder before they get easier.

I'm having a difficult couple of Dai days. My first counselling session today just brought me down to rock bottom. I want to run so far away that I can still be contacted but not upset anyone anymore. A place by the sea, in Wales. The mumbles. So I could ride with the moon and the tide.

It's too much, I'm too much. I'm hurting the people I love more than anything. I'm crushing them with my negativity, I'm hurting the people I love the most in the world with my misery. But my whole life has been turned upside down. I don't know who I am, or whether I like what I'm becoming.

I wished I were suffering from something that had an end in sight, or a broken bone, or a toothache. That I could all be at peace, rather than cursed with a constant cycle of pain, depression, exhaustion, fatigue and insomnia.

I just want my life back.